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Accountability

Posted on June 29, 2010 at 11:16 PM Comments comments (1)

As promised, my awesome handout for the girls on accountability.


Preview of Accountability

Posted on June 25, 2010 at 3:06 PM Comments comments (0)

I'm not sure if I've talked about it here, but accountability is one of my pet issues of the Christian life. I had decided to work up some information to share with at least the girls in my cabin, so I thought it would be nice to share that information here, too. As soon as I'm done, I will post it!

Camp Bulldozer!

Posted on June 23, 2010 at 1:50 PM Comments comments (0)

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT CAMP!

So, it seems the initial nerves have worn off. Why “bulldozer”, you say? Well, Matthias shared with me today that he’s decided that’s what I am when I’ve gotten something into my head to do. For example, when we went to DC a few months ago, I got the idea to make travel binders for the kids with fun things to do during the trip. I may have gone a little overboard. I got binders, markers. Crayons, etc., and had an inch and a half worth of things to print out that I found online. He said that I forge ahead with ideas and don’t let anything stop me. Now the bulldozer is working on camp stuff. I’ve decided I want to have little gift boxes for the girls in my cabin. I already have cute little boxes, so now I’m thinking of things to include. Here’s what I’m thinking so far:

 

• Little notebook

• Pen

• Fruit snacks

• Raisins

• Nuts

• Granola bars

• A couple feminine products

• A couple single serve drink mix packets

• A couple band aids, and antibacterial wipes

• Bug repellent wipe (was going to make some, but not sure I can get enough bottles, may still)

• A little message card (those 10¢ religious cards)

• And the Bible Study Reference card that I put together for myself

 

Of course, I’ll be counseling with another woman, so I’ll check with her to see if she wants to add anything. I just thought it would be nice for the girls to have a little something. I also like that the boxes are plastic, so they can reuse them. I’ll just have to watch my bulldozer tendency that I don’t get so much that I don’t have gas money to get there!

 

On a different note, I’m still trying to avoid HFCS (see initial post), and I know it’s the cheapest, so I’m a little concerned about how I’ll do at camp. Yes, I do better some days than others avoiding HFCS (sometimes you just need a Coke), but institutional type foods tend to be full of it (think school) and other things I’m trying to avoid to keep from getting sick. How will decide what to eat, what not to eat, and what to bring substitutes for (yes, we can bring food)? Sheesh. Maybe I should make an appointment with that dietician before I go.

Victoza Hope?

Posted on June 19, 2010 at 12:02 PM Comments comments (0)

My awesome endocrinologist is trying a different injection medicine on me called Victoza. I'm wary of having too much hope, but I think my clothes are a tiny bit looser than they were. :) I’ll be very upset if this doesn’t work either. She said the next step would be an off-label use of another diabetic med, which means insurance may not cover it or not all of it. That means I couldn’t take it. I can barely afford all the crap I’m taking now! So, I’m just going to pray that this works! In addition, I’m trying to get information from my cousin Josh (Head Trainer) about how I can start exercising. I want to start walking, but I’m still having issues with my feet. I CAN start working on yoga and Pilates. I’d say the main reason I haven’t is that I dislike doing things alone (even grocery shopping), and no one seems to be interested in doing the exercises with me. Oh well.

To Camp or Not to Camp?

Posted on June 14, 2010 at 2:24 PM Comments comments (3)

I grew up going to a camp called Judson Hills (from the age of 12). After being a camper, I started being a counselor and was even on staff one summer. I LOVED that place (so did many others). The camp is no longer part of American Baptist Churches (don’t get me started on how they screwed that up), but the camp I counseled for the most (Sr. High) started going to Camp Koinonia. I haven’t counseled for quite a few years, but this year I felt the Lord calling me back. It’s the 2nd week of July and while I’m excited, I’m also pretty nervous. I’ve never been to Koinonia, this is a whole group of kids I don’t know and counselors I haven’t counseled with, I’m not in my “cool” 20’s anymore, and I’ve gained quite a bit of weight since I was last there (thanks to PCOS), which could make things more difficult. I know some of this could be the enemy trying to keep me from going, but it’s still a little scary. I choose to trust in God and His good will to protect me and remind me of how much I love counseling.

Douches!

Posted on June 6, 2010 at 11:04 AM Comments comments (0)

I work at a national helpline. A woman called yesteday to ask how to give some news to her finace. She was afraid to tell him. Over the half hour I spoke with her, I found out that she had been with this "douche" (thank you, Mel) since she was 16. Now they're engaged and will be married in 6 weeks. I asked her why she was afraid, and she hesitantly told me he had a bad temper. I asked her if he'd ever hit her. She was silent for a moment and then said, "Only twice." What?! He had clearly brainwashed this woman into thinking that EVER hitting her was ok. She said it was her fault she made him that angry. This cowardly piece of filth convinced her that she made him do it. I asked her if she forced his arm to raise and then dropped it on herself. Of course, she said no. I told her that she didn't "make" him do anything. He consciously made the decision to strike her. He put his desire to indulge in his anger above her importance in his life. That is absolutely inexcusable. Abusive men seem to think that hitting a woman makes them more manly somehow. It the exact opposite. How could they possibly think that overpowering someone who is weaker than them shows any kind of maturity? They are small, cowardly, primitive, unthinking, misogynistic, losers. My mother says we still have to love them as Christ would. I have a hard time having mercy for anyone who chooses to harm others just to make themselves feel powerful.

Canadian Genocide Revisited

Posted on June 5, 2010 at 10:50 AM Comments comments (1)

It's been a while since I talked about this issue, so I felt it prudent to refresh your awareness by re-posting a previous blog.

The US isn't that great either when it comes to the Native Americans. I've just started watching another documentary. I'm only 10 minutes into it and I'm just sick and disgusted. If you don't know, Residentail schools (in regard to Native Americans) are schools that NA kids who were stolen/taken from there families were forced to attend. They lived there and weren't allowed to speak their language, express their beliefs or culuture, etc.The last one in the US closed in 1986.That's bad enough, but this documentary is about Residential schools in Canada where children were systematically KILLED and MOLESTED. Even worse, it was in the name of the church (I believe Catholic, but I'm not done watching yet).The people who decided to do this are no better than Hitler. Watch Documentary.

Familial Frustration

Posted on June 4, 2010 at 11:10 AM Comments comments (0)

I’ve always held the firm belief that my mother’s family was indestructible. Not that we didn’t make mistakes or argue, etc. but that no matter what happened, it would be resolved. I can’t say that I believe that anymore. At least one of my mom’s sisters is telling lies about her. That hurts enough, but on top of that, others believe those lies. That hurts the most. They’ve known her all their lives; she doesn’t lie, and manipulation is not part of her makeup. Nevertheless, this crap is being believed by those who should know better. I love these people and it’s making me sick (literally) and furious that this sh-- is happening. For the last week, I have not been able to eat without getting sick and didn’t eat at all for two days. I can finally eat some thanks to Xanex. This isn’t like us, but it’s happening none the less. I don’t know what to do/feel. My heart is crushed at the thought of our family being unable to heal from this stupidity. As long as the lies are believed and left without confrontation, we will continue to self-destruct and become a dysfunctional family. Wouldn’t Pawpaw be proud?

This SUCKS

Posted on June 2, 2010 at 1:49 PM Comments comments (0)

I'm dealing with some family issues and am afraid that one or two members have made a division that won't easily be healed. I'm not eating or sleeping. I'm trying to remember that God'sin control, but I can't help thinking that none of this would be going on if Grandpa hadn't died. I don't know how to express how I'm feeling right now, so I'll let another song do it.

 

"Beauty From Pain" (Superchick)

 

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made

I try to keep warm but i just grow colder

I feel like i'm slipping away

 

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

 

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best i can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though i can't understand why this happened

I know that i will when i look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

 

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

 

Here i am, at the end of me

Tryin to hold to what i can't see

I forgot how to hope

This night's been so long

I cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

 

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Leptin A No Go

Posted on March 13, 2010 at 10:50 AM Comments comments (0)

I spoke with my endocrinologist about leptin therapy, but it is still in the research stage. She said she didn’t even know where, which lead me to believe that if she did she would have tried to get me contact info. Anyway, I’ve been looking online for other ways that I might increase my leptin; of course there are supplements, but they’re not cheap. I’m going to try to find some more natural ways of making my body create more leptin. Apparently, fish and vegetables are biggies(http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_foods_have_leptin & http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2002/07/020702070741.htm),so I guess it’s a good idea that I like both! Beans are on the list too, but they’re also high in carbohydrates, which my body doesn’t process well, so that would defeat the purpose.

 


PCOS Update - Leptin

Posted on January 27, 2010 at 6:19 PM Comments comments (0)

As I’ve mentioned, my endocrinologist started me on Byetta about three months ago. I have since GAINED about 20lbs. ICK. I’m going to see her again on Monday, but she said I could stop taking it. I’m still taking the Metfomin; while I stopped losing after 35lbs, at least I wasn’t gaining anything more.

 

I was doing some research online about insulin resistance and found some information about leptin therapy. “It appears that, if one cannot make leptin, the brain thinks there is no fat and spurs the person on to eat more and more in a futile effort to get the leptin signal that fat is present” (www.medterms.com) If that happens in addition to insulin resistance, sheesh! Not only does insulin resistance turn ALL food into fat, the brain may think that the body never has enough stored energy (fat) so you would keep eating all the time to build up that store to where the brain would be happy. No chance in H-E-double hockey sticks that you’d be able to lose anything. IF that’s going on with me, leptin therapy might be a possible solution. I plan on bringing it up with Dr. Rittenberry on Monday.

Keeping up with the ME

Posted on January 22, 2010 at 2:20 PM Comments comments (0)

I've just added a Calendar page so that if anyone wants to know my general schedule, they are free to see it. I haven't decided if I'm adding things like doctor's visits, lunches, etc. We'll see. Right now, it's just the things i do on a regular basis.

 

i've been embroidering like it's going out of style. I started with ornaments for Christmas and am now working on something that would make a nice framed gift. I'll try to get some photos of what I've done and post them. They're pretty nice if I do say so myself. Of course, I'm not totally satisfied. The stitches could be straighter, but I hear that comes with practice. I like to keep my hands busy while I'm talking, watching TV, etc. Crochet and embroidery give that. Of course, I can't handle counted cross stitch because you actually have to pay attention to what number you're on! I'm far too preoccupied (some might say scattered) to deal with that.

Writing again

Posted on January 18, 2010 at 5:08 PM Comments comments (0)

One of my friends has suggested that several of us start a writing journal. That came at the heels of a renewed resolution (unrelated to the New Year, thank you) to write every day. I’m going to start with just 15 minutes a day and work my way up. For the writing journal, we’re to go from the prompt of the person who has the journal before us. (Heather seems to think a prompt is half a story.) We write what we want from the prompt, plus any thing else that tickles our fancy, then write a prompt for the next person. We’ll try not to keep the journal longer than a week at a time. The only possible glitch is that we’re handwriting everything, and some of us have less-than-beautiful/legible penmanship. We’ll see how it all goes. I’ve written my first entry, so now I need to find a prompt and pass it to the next person. Perhaps doing it by comp would be easier? We don’t always get to see each other every week. Maybe that’ll be a good excuse to get together more often. I do miss them, but don’t tell!

I'm Not Dead

Posted on January 12, 2010 at 1:37 PM Comments comments (0)

I'm still alive and kicking, just busy is all. I've started tutoring again to try to make some more money. I'vebeen staying at my mom's because we don't have money for heat (propane is super expensive), and I was getting ready for Christmas. Those are my excuses, though I don't think Angie would accept them.

 

Matthias and I have been together over a year, and I hate that we're not in the same city yet. We're waiting to hear which, if any, grad accepts me. I'm not even sure which one I'd like better; they both have pluses and minuses. I suspect that KSU has more minuses than OSU, but it's really in God's hands.

And So It Goes?

Posted on October 27, 2009 at 4:11 PM Comments comments (0)

Yes, I’m neglecting my blog, but I can’t help it. I have been super busy with classes. I’m actually doing the work this time instead of procrastinating and squeaking by; that takes more time. Of course, that also means I should do better in my classes, and understand rather than just learning to pass a test.

 

I’m going for an interview tomorrow for a program that provides tutors that come to the student’s home. I’m really excited. I love to tutor and I’m pretty good at it, so it could be a perfect fit. This is to supplement my current job, but if I end up going to Kent for grad school, I might be able to transfer this job up there. I already checked that there’s an office in Akron. The pay is pretty good, so I wouldn’t have to use too many hours a week to make enough money. Of course, I’m hoping that I get enough grants etc. that I won’t NEED to work but could make some extra money.

Depression and the Clown

Posted on October 9, 2009 at 8:23 AM Comments comments (0)

I’ve mentioned that due to neurofeedback and avoiding HFCS, I’ve been feeling really good. I haven’t felt down in a long time (weeks). Then yesterday came. I got in the car to go to my mother’s for another treatment, and WHAM! I felt worse than I have in months. I didn’t care if I drove off the road, I wanted to go home and go to sleep, and it hurt to move or think. Where on earth did it come from? I called Matthias and my mom, and was better while I was on phone, but the minute I hung up, it was back in full force. Nothing was “wrong”, so why did I feel so incredibly awful? After leaving mom’s, I had to high-tail it to church for Praise Team practice. Usually, that lifts me up, but not last night. I’m not very good at letting other’s know when I’m down, so I just didn’t look anyone in the eye all night. I didn’t want to be there at all. I started trying to remember when this happened the last time, and that’s when it struck me. Both times, I’d had several McDonald’s sweet teas in just a few days! Could that be it? The other time, my therapist had informed me that sugar can wreak havoc with depression. I looked up the ingredients just to be sure it wasn’t HFCS, and lo and behold, they use real sugar. The moral of this story is that I absolutely cannot have more than one sweet tea in a week. That’s a bummer, but not nearly as bad as dealing with how I felt yesterday. Sugar may be better than HFCS, but it’s still sugar. Moderation, folks.

Studying Plus

Posted on September 25, 2009 at 9:44 AM Comments comments (0)

I’ve started classes again! I’m glad to be in class again, but nervous about getting everything done. Of course, that’s true at the beginning of every quarter. However, I’ve decided to approach things a little differently. In the past, I’ve done the bare minimum in studying at the beginning of a course, then if I don’t do well on a test (and I’m usually fine), then I study harder afterward. Well, that’s not a good way to do things. This time, I’m going to try to study super hard at the beginning then lighten up, if I can, later. To that end, I’m following the study method my uncle Bob used:

1) Read the material for the next class within 24 hour BEFORE that class.

2) Take notes during class, and not rely on printed Power Points from professors.

3) Note pages are divided into 3rd’s. The right 2/3’s is for in class notes.

4) Within 24 following class, I will pull out important information from the notes and mark that in the left third of the note page.

He said the purpose is to go over the material 4 times in a 48 hour period (reading, hearing lecture, taking notes, summarizing notes. He says his goal was always to “conquer a class”, not just pass! I’ll give it a shot and see how it goes.

 

I’ve been making a lot of good changes in my life. Before neurofeedback, I couldn’t have made one of them; I have always been mostly paralyzed by anxiety. Now, I see something that I want to change, and I just make the change! Thanks, Mom!

The Gift of Fear

Posted on September 22, 2009 at 7:15 PM Comments comments (1)

(My friends are rolling their eyes right now.)

 

The Gift of Fear is a book that I discovered a few years ago via Oprah. The author, Gavin de Becker, is phenomenal. He is an expert at predicting violent behavior. He talks about the fact that especially in Western society, we have pushed our instinct to the back. Instinct in animals (including humans) is driven by survival, so it stands to reason that it becomes important when you're in danger. We have this "gift of fear" to keep us alive. Because we don't listen to our instinct anymore, we often find ourselves in dangerous situations we could have avoided. Instinct is subconscious, so we don't "see" the things that could be dangerous, but our instinct kicks in to tell us. We have to start listening to it again.

 

For example, if a woman hears a unfamiliar man's voice from down the hall, and "something" tells her he's dangerous, she should LISTEN. We tell ourselves in our Western enlightenment, "Oh, you're imagining things. You have no reason to believe he's dangerous. Stop being crazy." I would rather be "crazy" and safe, then "logical" and dead. When you read his book, he tells you how to know when it's your instinct trying to save your life and when it's just you being paranoid for no reason (often, we think we're being paranoid when it's really our survival instinct).

 

I cannot stress the importance of this book enough. Every woman must read this book and every man should. I'm including a link to his web page (https://www.gavindebecker.com). I'm also including a link from CNN that includes the first chapter of his book (http://www.cnn.com/books/beginnings/9808/gift.of.fear.cnn/index.html). If that doesn't convince you, nothing will. If you don't want to buy the book (or borrow it from me), then go to the library. I consider this one of the most important books in existence; maybe only second to the Bible. READ IT!!!!

Temple Thought

Posted on September 19, 2009 at 3:29 PM Comments comments (1)

This was originally written (by hand) on January 31, 2006:

 

 

I've had a sort of epiphany over the last few days. As a Christian, I've heard numerous times that Christ lives in me and that my body is God's temple. I've started thinking more deeply about the obvious and not-so-obvious implications of this concept. It requires a paradigm shift to what I'm calling "Temple Thought." I know that this idea is not a new one, but its all-encompassing effects and how I should apply them are certainly new to me.

 

For instance, I like to stay up late. In fact, my mother says I've been a night owl since birth. Now, I'm not saying that I'll totally be changing my sleeping habits, but I need to be aware of how important, sleep is. My body needs to be well-rested to do/be my best. I must do/be my best if I want to glorify God with my best. Besides, would I deny Him rest? Of course not. Therefore, I also shouldn't deny rest to His temple.

However, that's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. It also affects my diet, finances, relationships, pastimes, etc. All of those (and more) can affect my body/mind/soul, thereby affecting the "temple." For example, if I have a problem with a friend, I must follow God's plan for reconciliation (Matthew 18:15-20). If I don't, I will feel stress, discontent, etc. Those emotions can have physical consequences, too.

 

For those reasons, in all things, I will try to focus on bringing glory to God through "Temple Thought."

I Brake for Office Supplies!

Posted on September 12, 2009 at 4:42 PM Comments comments (0)

Anyone who knows me for long knows that I'm slightly obsessed with office supplies and stationary. As long as I can remember, my absolute favorite part of every school year was buying new school supplies: the smell of just-sharpened pencils (of course, I only use mechanical .5 mm pencils now), the smooth unused notebook paper, the sharp "snap" of a new art box lid - a wave of delight for the senses. Though I try to reuse items now, don't think my ecstasy has dulled since then. Every quarter, I revel in getting my binder ready to be filled with new information! I have every section tabbed, labeled, divided and stocked with pristine, college-rules paper. (I get chills just thinking about it). I like to try different methods of organization, but the three-ring binder seems to be the most effective no matter what I do. I LOVE BINDERS! They're just so versatile, and the smell of new plastic brings back good memories of school days gone by. Once I even thought of starting my own business just so I'd have a relatively legitimate excuse to buy way more office supplies than any one person needs.

 

Don't EVEN get me started on pens! One of my favorite sayings is "You can never have too many bags, pens, or lip glosses."

 

Over the years, I've wondered why I'm so goofy about this stuff. I've decided it's at least in part related to my anxiety. I can't control the world around me or what happens to people suffering in other countries, but I CAN make sure my school work is organized. It may sound silly, but it works for me (and many others I suspect).

That's the serious reason, but don't forget how much fun they are. Do you have any idea how many different kinds of file folders there are?! Then there are planners, PDA's, highlighters, binder clips, notebooks, journals, etc. (OMG!). There are really funky ones, playful ones, trendy ones, elegant ones; just about anything you can imagine. I know that if I ever do have my own office, it will ROCK!

 

Yes, I'm fully aware that this is not normal. However, I can say with undiluted certainty that I fit right in with my cohorts (Rachel).


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