Well, I'd forgotten how tired,depressed and emotionally spent I am after camp. Sheesh. I cried about everything and my boyfriend had to let me sleep more than usual. Luckily, he's pretty great and I recovered faster than I used to.

I realized something though. This year, I felt like I was fairly emotionally closed off; like I haven't been in years. I'm not sure why, but there you have it. I didn't surrender myself to the experience, to getting to know the campers and other counselors as I usually do. I can only suspect, but it could be from feeling like a newcomer in some ways, or of not being sure that I'd come back at first (maybe I didn't want to be let down?). Anyway, I've been working on being more open, so this may have been a fallback kind of reaction. Some unnecessary self-defense.

More importantly, I've been convicted of my – lukewarmness? I love God, but have I been crazy in love with Him? I'm not sure about that. I plan on reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, but till I get it, I've watched one of his sermons on suffering (here). It made me ask myself some hard questions. I have to be careful because I have a BAD habit of comparing myself to others, but if I'm truly in love with God, shouldn't I be shouting itfrom the mountain tops? I talk to more people about Harry Potter than about God. Ridiculous. Am I so afraid of persecution, of even causing discomfort? Jesus said that we should rejoice in persecution and actually be surprised if it's NOT happening. The norm for a Christian should be persecution. Now, it's not like we have to be worried about torture or imprisonment in the US, but how many times have I taken the easy road in a conversation so as not to offend another with my silly Jesus talk? Not cool. Why am I not searching for ways to bring Him up? I don't want to be a jerk either; we are called to love, but why don't I accept the idea of causing discomfort through that love? Am I so averse to speaking truth because I'm afraid of how someone will see me? We aren't called to be people pleasers. Jesus said, "Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.” (Matt 10:34) My aim has to be to please God, not man. Yikes. That is a scary proposition, but thankfully, I don't have to do it alone. Not only isGod with me, but He's provided the fellowship of believers to help each other. As I taught at camp about accountability, I should know how powerful that is. Through God and other believers, I should be able to reach this most basic of goals in the the Christian walk. AMEN!