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Sabbatical

Posted on July 23, 2013 at 7:15 PM Comments comments (4)

I was at my friend Tom’s church this past Sunday. He taught about fasting and taking time out of your life for God. I have fasted before, but not much, so I’d like to instill that as a somewhat regular practice. I’m not sure what form it will take, but I’ll be praying about what God wants me to do in that area. Of course, often I would be fasting from food for a short time, but we can fast from other things, too. Tom said to think about things that we allow to come before God and to consider fasting from those things (e.g. Facebook, TV, etc.), too.

He also talked about taking sabbaticals, which he does pretty often. It doesn’t have to be like professors who take a year or two off. It can be as little as an afternoon and can increase from there if you feel called or just want to try more time. I’ve done it for part of a day before, but this is another area I’d like to make a regular occurrence in my spiritual walk. If you’re not sure what I mean by sabbatical in the Christian sense, it’s really about taking time out of your life to devote to God. It’s NOT a vacation. Vacations are about me and my desires. Sabbaticals are about connecting on a deeper level with God. The focus is on Him, not me. When I did it before, I went to a state park, turned off my phone, and just had my Bible and a journal with me. Yours may not look just like mine, but the idea is to separate yourself from the “world” in order to really concentrate on God and what He might be trying to share with you. It can just be you worshiping Him, learning/reading about Him, or whatever else He leads you to do.

I know that both of these may be a challenge for me. I’m not the most disciplined of people. I’m very mood/emotion driven. (I even forget to eat if I don’t actually feel hungry.) So, I will need to figure out how to work WITH my crazy brain rather than against it. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m open to them!

If you’re interested I’m including the link to Tom’s message: Message

 

Life Changes Galore

Posted on July 1, 2013 at 9:10 PM Comments comments (0)

Well, my life path is changing once again. I'm finishing the MA in Speech Language Pathology without the clinical component. This means I'll have the degree but can't practice. Why, you ask? Well, having the Masters still shows that I have the knowledge and can complete Masters level work. This might help me trying to get into another plan. I'm looking into counseling/life coaching. Anyone who knows me will say, "Well, duh." Yeah, I know. What can I say, I'm stubborn.

 

At the same all of this has been happening, Matthias and I decided not to have contact for the time being. The idea is to give is time and room to move on. I believe it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't stop the tears from flowing at times. He's an amazing man and a great friend. I hope we can be friends in the future.

 

I have been majorly neglecting this blog since grad school started. Now that I'm not doing as much, I'd like to return to some of my other interests, such as this website, my photography, crochet, making jewelry, etc. I'm in the process of finding a full time job so I'm not so broke all the time. If I can get one, I might be able to save enough money to go to Disney with my friend and her kids. I would LOVE that so much. Those kids are really great.

 

 

Hopefully, this is the first of many blogs. I will do my best to keep up and stay interesting.

Feeling God Through Others

Posted on August 1, 2011 at 11:39 PM Comments comments (1)

I don’t know if I mentioned it or not, but I was a camp counselor last month for a week. It was an amazing time. I don’t want to try to write about everything that happened; I almost feel like that would diminish it somehow. However, I do want to share what God showed me through some of the amazing people with whom I had the privilege to spend a week.

 

First, I want to share a little about my small group. There were three of us counselors (I was the oldest by an unspeakable number of years) and 10 campers. From the first activity we did as a group, we were totally bonded. I have been going to camp as a camper or counselor since I was12. In all those years, I have never experienced a group like this. They were so open with each other, trusting, caring, encouraging, honest, etc. I cannot find words sufficient to express my awe of them and their hearts.

 

I told them a little of how God touched me through them, but I’d like to share a little more. I have always had a VERY strong defense mechanism of not feeling things that I deem too painful, sometimes even just mildly unpleasant. You can imagine how well that’s worked out. I have worked onit with a few therapists and pastors, not to mention much prayer. I’m certainly better than I was, but noted a few years ago that because of this auto-defense, I have trouble having much compassion for others. I’m afraid that if I let myself feel for others too much, I will just be undone 24/7. Think about it: war, famine, torture, rape, any kind of abuse, the troubles my friends/family may be going through, etc. I feel things very deeply, so the idea of letting myself feel anything for anyone on that list or beyond just seems to be too much for me to uphold, even with God’s help. I’ve just been too scared to allow it. I’ve always felt I would drown in an overwhelming flood of despair. Having a past with severe depression doesn’t help. If that’s where I was when I was turning off my feelings, what would happen if I allowed myself to feel for others? I’m not saying I’m a frozen, unfeeling robot. I just don’t let myself feel enough to risk that “coming undone” that terrifies me so.

 

In some of our small group meetings, the campers shared things that they were struggling with. They were willing to be open and raw with us. God absolutely spoke to me through them. I felt so much for them, it could only come out in tears several times throughout the week. I do NOT like to cry in public, but I cried every day that week. And every time (but one I’ll address later) was feeling true compassion for someone else. God used them to push through that wall and help me to see that feeling compassion will not result in me losing it and ending up in the psych ward. I’m not saying that I’m totally over it, but these wonderful, sweet, transparent campers have shown me so much. I cannot thank them enough.

 

Another privilege I experienced was talking to Lilia andLeo. Lilia and I were actually campers together years ago, though I’m not sure that we ever really hung out together. I always liked her, but God has done some amazing things in her since those days. You can see it in her face, like she glows with His light or something. She and her husband Leo (who’s from Columbia where they both live) were there to lead worship, and WOW. They are very much walking with the Lord in the Holy Spirit and are very open about what they’ve learned, their struggles, etc. The freedom they have in Him is palpable and incredibly inspiring. I lost count of how many campers want to go to Columbia to work with them. Their joy in the Lord is infectious and makes you long for more in your own life.

 

Finally, the only time I cried over something about myself. The last day, after the campers are gone, the counselors get together before we all take off in our separate directions and eat at Wendy’s. We were about to drive off when someone stopped me because one of my tires was flat. I don’t make a lot of money and I was over 3 hours from home. I was also ridiculously tired. If you’ve never counseled camp (especially Sr. High X), you may not know that at the end, you are completely drained spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Anything that happens is too much, so I started to cry, and was really at a loss. I just shut down. I started to get my luggage out so we could get to the spare, which also ended up being flat. Without the slightest prompt or delay, several folks jumped right in and started caring for me. Laura lent kind words and a shoulder for me to cry on. Logan, Jim, Leo (I may have missed someone since I was busy blubbering) right away assessed the situation and got  enough air in my tire to get me to the tire place that Randy suggested. If the tire couldn't have helf air, I have no doubt they would have found a way to get my car to the tire place. Then Lilia offered to ride with me (I couldn’t stop crying). At first, my tears were about feeling defeated, lost, hopeless. (As things happened to several counselor cars, we began to feel it was Satan trying to ruin our week since he couldn’t touch us during.) As all those beautiful people reached out to me in love, the tears became, and still are, those of … I’m not sure how to describe it… a most deeply felt sense of love, caring, feeling cherished, and many other words that are insufficient. Every time I think about this or talk about it,the tears come again, so I know it wasn’t just being tired. [You need to know that I have to repeatedly stop typing as I wipe my tears even now] It was God showing His love for me through these incredible people and how much they loved me in that moment. It was God’s desire for me to feel something this overwhelming that lead to my tire and spare both being flat while I was still there. I am a VERY verbal person (anyone can tell you), but trying to put this into words that are full enough truly eludes me and may always. Nevertheless, I am left with example after example of God’s love for me. I will never be able to thank Him enough for giving me that nor my friends for listening to His promt.

 

Moving on up?

Posted on June 11, 2011 at 3:40 PM Comments comments (1)

I’m not very consistent with my blog, but that’s not news.

 

I have been accepted to Kent State University for gradschool in speech language pathology! WHOO HOO! I was less than thrilled atfirst. I could only think about what I’d have to leave: my church, friends,family, etc. It took me a few days to get to the happy part. I’m still sadabout what I’m leaving, but my pastor reminded me (more than once) that this isabout additions to my life, not subtractions. I went to KSU undergrad, so I knowthe area, still have good friends there, and a church and pastor that I love. Notto mention the fact that the program at Kent some serious advantages. My primaryinterest is in accent reduction (especially with those learning English as asecond language), and Kent has an English Proficiency Clinic! In addition, theyprovide teletherapy, which fits right in with an idea I have for the field (no,I’m not sharing). How is it even possible that OSU has neither of thoseservices? Oh yeah, they only care about research.

 

I’ve also been trying to figure out what to do abouthousing. I believe this is where God is calling me, and as Matthias keepsreminding me, where God leads, He provides. I’m not worried, but I can’t justsit here and wait for a house to fall in my lap, so I’m looking at the options andwaiting for God’s leading. A friend is sending me classifieds from Kent, I’vethought about applying to be an RA (yuck on so many levels, but I’d do it), andthe other day, I “happened” to think about renting a house with a roommate (thankyou, Lord). I have one now, so why it wasn’t my first thought has to be fromthe stress of all that has to get done. Anyway, I started looking on craigslistas a place to start. There are some VERY promising leads there. In fact, onelooks so good, I had to email her right away. It’s a house, so I’d have a yard,and no neighbors banging around above or below me. I’d be renting a room andsharing the other space with her. She’s a little older than me, which is great.[I’m pretty sure I’d be locked up for homicide within a month if I have to livewith someone just starting a college career (yes, I said career, so what?).] Theroom would be available sometime in august; how fortuitous. There are a fewother places I’m going to call. Some even have pets, which I would LOVE. The affectionand stress relief without the cost and extra work (except to help).

 

What about income, you say? Not sure yet. I’m hoping againstall hope (praying) that I can get enough grants, scholarships, whatever to notneed to work. In the event that doesn’t happen, the company I tutor for hasbranches all over the US, so I put in an email on the site that I’d be movingto that area. We’ll see. The money’s good, but with driving, it would reallymake it hard to have time for my classes; not impossible, just REALLY hard. Godwill provide.

 

Of course, the best part is that Matthias is talking aboutmoving to Kent, so we’d finally be in the same city after 2 ½ years! That wouldbe super. Of course, I’ll be studying a lot, but we’ll be together.

Clarification

Posted on January 14, 2011 at 8:56 AM Comments comments (1)

After a realy good conversation with my friend Megan yesterday, I think I need to clarify some things from my last post (even for myself). I am ABSOLUTELY NOT saying that we should avoid all chemicals. In fact, we need many of them in the forms of medicine, etc, not to mention the ones that make up our body anyway. It is important to remember that not all chemicals are bad (i.e. medicine) and not all things natural things are good (snake venom might be all natural, but I don’t want to drink any). The point is that you have to be smart about what you’re allowing into/on/around your body. So what’s my justification for what's ok and what's not? I’m still fleshing that out, and it will most likely be a case by case set up, maybe even trial and error. What I’m currently thinking is that we cannot reverse the effects/consequences of the Fall, so God helps us to deal with those consequences. For example, illness, among other things, is one of those consequences. God blessed us with minds that have been able to develop medicine/surgery to help with illness (both physical and mental). In my current thinking, that’s a good thing and makes sense.

 

However, you still have to do your research. Just because someone tells you to take/use/do something, doesn’t mean you should. If you do so blindly, that’s no different than the poor souls lost at Jonestown. Don’t just drink the cool aid. Even if it’s a doctor prescribing medicine, know that doctor well enough that you trust their judgment, find out about the risks/side effects of that medicine, and see if there might be effective alternatives if you’re not comfortable taking that medicine. In addition, just because some Big Business says I need to buy their product doesn’t mean it’s true. Use the brain God gave you.

 

Also, more than once, Matthias has reminded me that with every technological advance, there is a loss. For instance, we gained electricity, but now we work 24/7; we gained the benefits of the industrial revolution, but we have pollution, etc; we gained longer life with better medicine, but now we deal with illnesses from old age. I’m not saying in any way that we shouldn’t have had those advances. I’m saying that we have to be aware of what’s lost, and minimize (if we can) the effects of that loss.

 

Most importantly, as with all things, everything about us should be for God. “Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40) Also, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body," (1 Cor. 6:19-20). All of this, among many other verses, says to me that I need to follow what I’m now calling the Temple Way (names because my body is a temple and Jesus is the Way). If my body is a temple for the Holy Spirit, I need to be very conscious and careful about how I treat it, not jus physically, but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually. As I mentioned in the blog Temple Thought, this is about more than just the physical aspect of the “temple”. It encompasses what I experience with all my senses, what I say/do, what I read/watch; everything. If it doesn't bless the Holy Spirit or bring glory to God, I shouldn’t be taking part in it. Now that’s a tall order, and I know that I will mess up (you know, sinful nature, needing Jesus to die for our sins, etc.). The important thing is that I continue to try to be aware of my responsibility at all times. When I’m watching a movie, I have to ask myself if it’s something that would please Him. If I’m about to eat something, I have to ask if it will be a blessing to the “temple” or not. Don’t get me wrong, I think that food is great and I definitely have a sweet tooth, but do I need to eat half a pie at Thanksgiving? Do I need fast food every day? I don’t think so. I just have to be vigilant about all of this and take it one step at a time.

Paleo Pathway?

Posted on January 11, 2011 at 6:33 PM Comments comments (2)

Recently. I’ve become aware o fsomething called the “paleo lifestyle”. It goes by several other names as well:

  • Paleolithic
  • Neanderthin
  • Caveman
  • Stone Age
  • Hunter-gatherer
  • Primal
  • Low-carb

This all started with an blog I read from someone who had decided to try going without soap and shampoo due to an article he read from someone who lives a paleo lifestyle. In a nutshell, it says that we didn’t “evolve” to be dependent on chemical products to maintain our health and well-being. I then did a TON of reading on this lifestyle and those who follow it. Obviously, I’m not coming from the evolutionary angle, and if you research this, you will have to sift through some of the rhetoric, but the information is the same no matter what you believe. I am coming to believe that this is very much in line with my belief that the closer we live to how God intended, the better off we are. I simply cannot believe that He intended for us to be covered in chemicals and swilling chemicals and gulping down chemicals.There is no way that this could be His best for us.


Using soap as an example, the information suggests (and dermatologists & science seem to agree) that our bodies create all we need to have the healthiest hair, skin and nails on our own, and that soap and shampoo strip away the natural oils and cleansers that we already have. Without those natural oils, we then have stripped skin, which leads to patchy skin, an over-production of oil to try to replenish what’s been stripped, acne, dandruff, etc. If the soap/shampoo is eliminated, the body reverts to its balanced state and those products aren’t needed anyway. The products create a dependence on them and ensure our buying them. (I found the same thing years ago with Chapstick (the brand, not just any lip balm). When I used it, I needed it more; when I stopped, I no longer had such dry lips.) Let me be VERY clear. I’m not talking about no bathing. I’m talking about bathing without soap/shampoo. By the way, doctors always tell new parents not to use soap on babies. There are other ways to be clean. You can read the blog here if you want more info.


How very clever of my friend Big Business: 1) Create the belief that a product is necessary. 2) Manufacture said product. 3) Have product increase the perceived need for it. 5) Sit back and rake in the dollars without concern for health/long term effects. Simply devilish.


As I’m reading more, it occurs to me that while I have concerns about what I put IN my body, I have been giving little to no thought of what I put ON my body. Don’t forget that the skin is the largest organ of the body. Not only that, but what ever is put on the skin is absorbed into the system. I’m very girlie, but now I’m thinking that if I want to treat my body as a temple, I need to find things other than chemicals to adorn myself (you know, cosmetics, perfume, etc). Not only that, but why am I even using these things? It’s to attain/maintain a standard of beauty that is not only impossible but may be bad for my health (best case). Worse, this standard has been set by at least two thirds of the Trifecta of Evil I’m always railing against (the Media and Big Business, can’t say about Government).


Having said all that, I’m also rethinking the fact that I relax my hair. Those are pretty harsh chemicals. However, I spoke to the woman who’s been doing my hair since I was 4ish. She confirmed what I was thinking in that those chemicals are only on my hair and only for about 15 minutes once ever 2-3 months. So if I decide to continue, I think I will be ok with that. I still want to look into what it would take to have my hair natural. As a biracial woman, it’s no small decision. I would have to radically change the way I manage/style my hair. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that, at least not yet.


However, I can definitely handle the cosmetic issues. I still have many of the ingredients from when I was thinking of starting a business. If I decide it’s too much trouble making my own, there are many reputable cosmetic lines available (though it's cheaper to make my own). I’ve also discovered that while the FDA regulates the term “organic” for food, it is NOT regulated for cosmetics. That means that just because you see the words “organic” or “natural” on cosmetics, does not mean they are. You still have to read labels and may have to dig into the company to find out about their practices and sources for ingredients. You can also check the Coming Clean site, which rates various products on how truly natural they are.


This is a LOT to think about, and I have very little idea how to implement all I’m learning. I do know that when I feel the need to change something in my life, I can go overboard, which leads to failure, which means I quit altogether. I don’t want to do that this time. I’m going to try to change little by little. For instance, I’m going to try the no soap/shampoo thing (called “no poo” ) for a while to see how it goes.I actually stopped using shampoo a while ago and only clean with conditioner, but the recommendation is to clean the hair with baking soda and “condition” with vinegar (usually apple cider vinegar – the smell is gone once it’s dry). From what I’ve read, it take 2-4 weeks for the body to re-balance itself, and it’s hard to make it through that transition. It seems like detox; for instance, if you have dandruff, it’ll be worse during that transition, but infinitely better afterward.


I'm not thrilled with theterms/connotations associated with this lifestyle, so I'm open to anysuggestions. I'm thinking something about the Temple (you know, the body as atemple). Maybe:

  • Temple Lifestyle
  • Temple Existence
  • Temple Way
  • Temple Standard

I’m excited about what I’m learning and how it affects my relationship with God.

Goodbye, Francis

Posted on November 8, 2010 at 10:23 AM Comments comments (3)

Francis had been missing for a week, and I was literally sick to my stomach with worry. Yesterday, my friend Heather saw a cat by the side of the road across from our house. She called to tell me, so I went out to look. It was my Francis. I was devastated. I carried him to the back of the property where we live and stayed with him for maybe an hour. After talking to my mom, I realized I needed to bury him. I started that and my other friend Marlene helped me finish. It was really hard to leave him out there, but I had to. I had really bonded with him and don’t understand why he had to die. I’ve had more than the average loss for someone my age, and I’m not ok with this one. I know that anyone who has never had a pet won’t understand this, but I feel like a part of me died. I didn’t even have him for 2 years. I know I should be thankful for the time I had, but I’m not there yet. He was with me as much as I could manage. I loved him so much, and the idea of not holding, kissing, playing with, hearing his insistent meow, or even smelling him, is killing me. My heart is breaking.

TV Junkie Reform?

Posted on October 4, 2010 at 3:26 PM Comments comments (1)

First, I need to apologize for the hiatus. I was pretty severely depressed sometime last month, and it’s taken me this long to start to get back on track, not only with my blog but also with my Bible reading. Thanks to Angie and Matthias, that is coming back under control. Moving on...

 

Anyone who knows me knows that I watch TV as much as possible. I have it on even when I’m not watching. I assume this stems from when I was younger and my mom had to work late. I had the TV on just for the noise of other voices. Now, I watch just about anything at anytime. We don’t even have cable, and I manage to waste time in front of the TV. With that said, I feel like God is calling me to watch less, so that I have more time for Him and things He’s calling me to do. I’m not sure how to decide what to watch or how many hours a day/week, but that’s my current issue.

 

I’ve also finally nailed down my primary spiritual gift: EXHORTATION. Now that I know, I can delve into it and develop it. I feel that as I should do that for my natural abilities to best use them for God, so I should for a spiritual gift He’s given me.

 

I also feel like God is calling me to some pretty big changes in my life:

  • More focus treating my temple better
    • Setting a regular sleep pattern
    • Better nutrition (esp. organic food, cooking – which I hate)
    • Exercise
    • Getting regular neurofeedback treatments
    • Taking care of physical ailments
    • Making time for things that relax me when I’m stressed
  • Better time management (i.e. less TV) to have more time for Him.
  • Being more compassionate – super hard for me, since I’m so closed off from my deepest emotions
  • More time in Bible study
  • Actually having a Sabbath (spending the day on things of God)

Obviously, those are some pretty big changes, and I can’t do them all at once, so I’m trying to figure out where/how to start. It’ll be a challenge but “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.”

Changling of God?

Posted on August 13, 2010 at 10:09 AM Comments comments (2)

I noticed something pretty interesting over the week. I was at home watching movies. I had heard a lot about the movie Crash, so I had checked it out from the library. It was pretty interesting and eye-opening. It’s basically about the hidden and not-so-hidden prejudices that we all harbor. It was very real and very disturbing.

 

What interested me, though, was my abnormal reaction to it. Usually, I just watch a movie and that’s it. This time, I was profoundly affected by things that I normally barely even register. For instance, how the people in the movie treated each other. Not only was there blatant and subtle racism, but there was also disrespect and dismissal among those who claimed to care about one another. All of this hurt me quite a bit. In fact, I almost cried about the fact that these fictitious characters were filled with so much hate and anger. Part of that was realizing that these were a pretty fair representation of how we all really are. We live in a fallen world full of hate, anger, disrespect, and dismissal. How it must grieve God that we treat each other so.

 

I was also very disturbed by all the foul language. This is something that doesn’t usually bother me, since I can be pretty foul myself, but this time almost caused me to stop watching. I continued because I felt the topic was important, but every word almost slapped me across the face. Why would this be an issue now?

 

My mom suggested both reactions could stem from that fact that I’m on the road to being more accountable to God. I think she’s right (don’t tell her I said that). It appears that God is working in me already through more regular prayer, more open/compassionate heart, etc. Wow. I have only been listening to praise and worship music because that’s all I seem to want to do: praise Him. I have spent several hours each day reading His Word, or reading about His Word because I want to be immersed in all things Him and not me. This is pretty amazing. I feel like I’ve been spiritually asleep for 35 years and now my eyes are starting to open.

Accoutabilibuddy

Posted on July 30, 2010 at 11:08 AM Comments comments (0)

To use a word I learned from two friends at camp (thanks, Amie and Emily!). I have talked about accountability quite often recently. When I was talking about it with the bf, he asked me who my partner was, and I didn’t have one! I mean, I talk to my mom, him, and Angie about things, but I didn’t have an “official” set up. So, since I know how important it is, I asked Angie to pray about that for us, and she agreed. YAY! Now we’re talking about when to meet, what areas we want to work on, etc. I’m pretty excited. I know that this is the beginning of some serious growth for both of us; both spiritually and as friends.

 

These are the areas I’m thinking of at the moment (subject to change)

• being in the word daily (even if just a verse)

• compassion for others

• (maybe) being in a study

• developing my spiritual gift(s)

• ways to be cognizant of God 24/7

• Treating my body like the temple of God

 

We’ve been talking about actually meeting once or twice a month, but being in more frequent contact over email/text/IM. I’ll let you know how things are going.

To Camp or Not to Camp?

Posted on June 14, 2010 at 2:24 PM Comments comments (3)

I grew up going to a camp called Judson Hills (from the age of 12). After being a camper, I started being a counselor and was even on staff one summer. I LOVED that place (so did many others). The camp is no longer part of American Baptist Churches (don’t get me started on how they screwed that up), but the camp I counseled for the most (Sr. High) started going to Camp Koinonia. I haven’t counseled for quite a few years, but this year I felt the Lord calling me back. It’s the 2nd week of July and while I’m excited, I’m also pretty nervous. I’ve never been to Koinonia, this is a whole group of kids I don’t know and counselors I haven’t counseled with, I’m not in my “cool” 20’s anymore, and I’ve gained quite a bit of weight since I was last there (thanks to PCOS), which could make things more difficult. I know some of this could be the enemy trying to keep me from going, but it’s still a little scary. I choose to trust in God and His good will to protect me and remind me of how much I love counseling.

Familial Frustration

Posted on June 4, 2010 at 11:10 AM Comments comments (0)

I’ve always held the firm belief that my mother’s family was indestructible. Not that we didn’t make mistakes or argue, etc. but that no matter what happened, it would be resolved. I can’t say that I believe that anymore. At least one of my mom’s sisters is telling lies about her. That hurts enough, but on top of that, others believe those lies. That hurts the most. They’ve known her all their lives; she doesn’t lie, and manipulation is not part of her makeup. Nevertheless, this crap is being believed by those who should know better. I love these people and it’s making me sick (literally) and furious that this sh-- is happening. For the last week, I have not been able to eat without getting sick and didn’t eat at all for two days. I can finally eat some thanks to Xanex. This isn’t like us, but it’s happening none the less. I don’t know what to do/feel. My heart is crushed at the thought of our family being unable to heal from this stupidity. As long as the lies are believed and left without confrontation, we will continue to self-destruct and become a dysfunctional family. Wouldn’t Pawpaw be proud?

This SUCKS

Posted on June 2, 2010 at 1:49 PM Comments comments (0)

I'm dealing with some family issues and am afraid that one or two members have made a division that won't easily be healed. I'm not eating or sleeping. I'm trying to remember that God'sin control, but I can't help thinking that none of this would be going on if Grandpa hadn't died. I don't know how to express how I'm feeling right now, so I'll let another song do it.

 

"Beauty From Pain" (Superchick)

 

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made

I try to keep warm but i just grow colder

I feel like i'm slipping away

 

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

 

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best i can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though i can't understand why this happened

I know that i will when i look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

 

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

 

Here i am, at the end of me

Tryin to hold to what i can't see

I forgot how to hope

This night's been so long

I cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

 

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Keeping up with the ME

Posted on January 22, 2010 at 2:20 PM Comments comments (0)

I've just added a Calendar page so that if anyone wants to know my general schedule, they are free to see it. I haven't decided if I'm adding things like doctor's visits, lunches, etc. We'll see. Right now, it's just the things i do on a regular basis.

 

i've been embroidering like it's going out of style. I started with ornaments for Christmas and am now working on something that would make a nice framed gift. I'll try to get some photos of what I've done and post them. They're pretty nice if I do say so myself. Of course, I'm not totally satisfied. The stitches could be straighter, but I hear that comes with practice. I like to keep my hands busy while I'm talking, watching TV, etc. Crochet and embroidery give that. Of course, I can't handle counted cross stitch because you actually have to pay attention to what number you're on! I'm far too preoccupied (some might say scattered) to deal with that.

I'm Not Dead

Posted on January 12, 2010 at 1:37 PM Comments comments (0)

I'm still alive and kicking, just busy is all. I've started tutoring again to try to make some more money. I'vebeen staying at my mom's because we don't have money for heat (propane is super expensive), and I was getting ready for Christmas. Those are my excuses, though I don't think Angie would accept them.

 

Matthias and I have been together over a year, and I hate that we're not in the same city yet. We're waiting to hear which, if any, grad accepts me. I'm not even sure which one I'd like better; they both have pluses and minuses. I suspect that KSU has more minuses than OSU, but it's really in God's hands.

And So It Goes?

Posted on October 27, 2009 at 4:11 PM Comments comments (0)

Yes, I’m neglecting my blog, but I can’t help it. I have been super busy with classes. I’m actually doing the work this time instead of procrastinating and squeaking by; that takes more time. Of course, that also means I should do better in my classes, and understand rather than just learning to pass a test.

 

I’m going for an interview tomorrow for a program that provides tutors that come to the student’s home. I’m really excited. I love to tutor and I’m pretty good at it, so it could be a perfect fit. This is to supplement my current job, but if I end up going to Kent for grad school, I might be able to transfer this job up there. I already checked that there’s an office in Akron. The pay is pretty good, so I wouldn’t have to use too many hours a week to make enough money. Of course, I’m hoping that I get enough grants etc. that I won’t NEED to work but could make some extra money.

My Mawmaw

Posted on September 9, 2009 at 5:12 PM Comments comments (0)

My grandmother, whom we call Mawmaw, went to the hospital today with shortness of breath. She’s 83, and my mom said that when older people go to the hospital often, it’s a sign that their body is wearing down. She was crying as she told me this. Later, she sent me a text letting me know that Mawmaw was stable, but that she was talking about being tired and wanting to go to Heaven. Emotionally, I think I shut down as soon as my mom called about her going to the hospital. That’s always been my automatic response to stress (not that it’s worked well for me). My grandparents helped raise me, and I still haven’t really grieved for Pawpaw, who died in 2001. Now I’m faced with losing Mawmaw and I’m numb. It may sound strange, but I really don’t feel much; however, that’s by unconscious design. I’m afraid that it would tear me apart to really feel the things that I think are buried deeply. I really love my grandparents, and losing Pawpaw was HUGE. I haven’t dealt with it because I don’t think I can. Now I may lose Mawmaw. They moved to Arizon when I was 16, and I shut off then. I didn’t call them very often or go visit because it hurt too much that I couldn’t see them everyday (talking to them reminded me of that). They are an enormous part of who I am today (at least the good parts), and I neglected my relationship with them. I’ve lost one; now I may lose the other. As I write this, I have that feeling in my chest when you’re starting to cry, so maybe I’m not as numb as I thought (5 therapists and countless meds later). I can only give this to God and trust that He will hold me up.

Cat Got Your Tongue?

Posted on August 26, 2009 at 5:41 PM Comments comments (0)

Some of you know that I’ve been contemplating how much I talk. It’s a LOT, to understate. A few months ago, I mentioned thinking that I should be more deliberate about what I say. I’ve been doing that more in the last 2 weeks than all those months before. As a consequence, I’ve been much less talkative than usual. This could also be a result of less anxiety (one of the “symptoms” is excess chatter). Because of this, everyone at works asks me if I’m all right. I am. I’m just fine. I just don’t need to say as much as usual. I’m being more internal than external. It could also be from the influence of my introvert boyfriend. Who know? Maybe God is prepping me to speak less so I write more? That would be interesting, no?

My next step in being content internally would be to be ok with being alone; as it is, I HATE being alone or doing anything alone. Part of the reason for that is how extroverted I am, but it’s even more due to my anxiety. I have to learn to let that go, to be ok with hearing my own thoughts, etc. Of course, that’s hard to do with racing thoughts, so I hope this will get easier with therapy, better meds, neurofeedback, and of course God.

Long Time Gone

Posted on March 10, 2009 at 2:07 PM Comments comments (0)

Angie's been getting on my case about getting back into writing on here, so here I am! I've been swamped with classes this quarter; not to mention the fact that I've fallen hard core in love with Matthias. I've been putting most of my energy into him and school.

 

Let me tell you a little about him, since you asked. We knew each other in college, and I liked him then. Then we lost touch. I've thought a lot about him over the years and tried to get in touch with him more than once. We finally started talking again in April last year. I knew I still had feelings for him, but he didn't feel the same (he says) UNTIL I went up to visit. After I got back, he realized he had feelings, too and we've been dating since. He lives three hours away, but we talk every day, and so far see each other once a month. He's VERY intelligent, loves the Lord, sings, plays piano, writes, he even cooks! We have wonderful conversations. He listens to me and is so very attentive. He's also one of the most thoughtful people I've ever met. I am so very blessed to be part of his life.

Love is Grand

Posted on December 27, 2008 at 3:35 PM Comments comments (1)

I've been out of commission for a while. Blame it on my beautiful, sweet, talented, smart, funny, God-loving, rule-following man! That's right, people, i'm totally head over heels in love. I'm not sharing his name because I haven't asked if that's ok. I know i'm extremely biased, but he is absolutely wonderful. I couldn't have done better if I'd placed an order with God. He's more than I could have dreamed up. The only thing that sucks is that we live over 3 hours apart. I can't stand that part. I've already looked into grad school up by him (I was thinking about that anyway, so don't think I've TOTALLY lost my mind).